Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.