Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
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Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes