I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater