[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.