[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.