[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: I don鈥檛 get it. I鈥檝e been watching this show for three hours and I still don鈥檛 know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That鈥檚 the Olympics
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
thank god the sign was there
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
So creative 馃槀
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Son: but I don鈥檛 like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
when girls eat strawberries it鈥檚 like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it鈥檚 weird???? ok
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
it鈥檚 bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher