[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Cake!!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”