[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.