I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.