[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
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I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I saw this ending much differently.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?