Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
When I snag the last meatball.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides