[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter