[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.