[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1