[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
You Might Also Like
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible