Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning