Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Sharon I have some bad news
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls