Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Where is your GOD now????
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Just had my nails done!
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
mom gave me mine for free
Aight bet
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
This one’s “Alex”.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…