[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My birth announcement for our third baby
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m just playing devils avocado here
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.