[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!