I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.