Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
No Google it does not
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that