*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids