Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
What personal space?
My dog
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time