*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
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Does it…does it take 3 days
Bond. Trauma bond.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or