*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
You Might Also Like
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me when I see my crush
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.