her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’m crying im so happy for them
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
we all know this pain all too well
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH