[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
estão todos miauvindo?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.