Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.