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@ThaJawn: Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, 'Ptuesday'
@CornOnTheGoblin: [commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
@sweetg35: I'm always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.
@alyssawolff: *sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.
@HomeProbably: The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.