I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Tell me you get it…🤣
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.