Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele