*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it