@seriouslyemily: Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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@PeteSnacks: Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I'm very sorry for your loss.
@david8hughes: I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home.
@LaziestCanine: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Gemini's go to sleep when they are tired" HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
@ojedge: [packing for holiday] WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen