Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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He just like my cat fr
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.