Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal