Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.