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@AbbyHasIssues: Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
@girl_a_whirl: [Paul Revere's Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
@murrman5: [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
@Jarhead44: I don't really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
@blade_funner: [taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
@DaHess1: A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I'm the subject of a monthly sermon series.