Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I鈥檇 love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Finally!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
DM: hi I鈥檓 Emily and I live in your area 馃拫
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 馃檪
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Husband: How鈥檚 your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[animal noises] it鈥檚 only those with a destination who can be lost
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.