@KevinFarzad: It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I'm trying to do that & you're lowering my chances.

@DadandBuried: My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you're not allowed to use them. Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

@YesThatAmy: Define "no more Twitter or I will leave you."

@Book_Krazy: *Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa* You crazy? Security will hear us Security: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING Security: ALRIGHT

@david8hughes: If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.