@qwertying: My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in the ignition. He suggest a coat hanger. I said we’re a few years too late for that.

@mybigblondelife: If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.

@TheHyyyype: [first day of zoology class] me: what fighting style do geese use? professor: excuse me? me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese professor: i don't think- me: tae swan do

@JessObsess: ME: How are you? "I can't complain" ME: Maybe you're not trying hard enough

@robdelaney: Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.