Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Mornin
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Well, this explains it:
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
What in the hipster hell is going on here