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@velcrofannypack: Directions: avoid contact with eyes
"It's Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too."
@doktorj: Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: "I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family."
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
@OmarImranTweets: "Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop"
Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*
"Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop"
ISIS:"ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?"
@noxxhell: When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.
@weinerdog4life: I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.