Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence