Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes