Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight