DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
No, he would not have.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on