Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.