discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer