discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?