@WilliamAder: Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.
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@AngrEdmontonian: Apparently, "Step up your game" isn't the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
@jwoodham: People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
@murrman5: [first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in "It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin"