@WilliamAder: Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.
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@JediGigi: Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Wow. Nobody's ever asked me that. Interviewer: Take a minute to th- Me: Arendelle.
@bazecraze: Morpheus: "You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and--" Me: "Blue pill."
@gerryhallcomedy: A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless" since then. People are pissed.
@ceejoyner: If you don't like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He's gone now.