Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]