Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
definitely did not do anything wrong
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
my mind
You just read my mind
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.