*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.