*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
President The Rock Obama
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.