*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit